Last week, the Singapore Zoological Gardens announced that they were setting up a bank containing sperm samples of all the wildlife under their supervision. At the same time, zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin Goncang won a competition for “Worst Job in Singapore”.

Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs theSingapore Zoo, the Jurong BirdPark and the Night Safari, has set up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve species. And it is Mr. Binatang’s job to collect the sperm.

“Teruk, sial,” said Mr. Binatang as we followed him on his rounds to 4 a.m. “We start so early in the morning because a lot of the animals have ‘morning glory’ when they wake up and it’s easier to collect the sperm.”

Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice and tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he’d just graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature and animals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect place to work.

“I never thought I’d be giving an orangutan a hand job every morning,” he said somewhat ruefully. “And Ah Meng is the worst. He expects to be kissed first.” As we approached the orangutan enclosure, we saw the Zoo’s most famous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, and sporting a huge erection. Mr. Binatang sighed, and applied massage oil onto his gloves.

We lingered outside the enclosure as Mr. Binatang entered and knelt before Ah Meng. About 2 minutes’ worth of squelching noises could be heard before Mr. Binatang emerged again. “So fast?” we asked. “He’s shy with you strangers looking on and can’t perform today,” said Mr. Binatang with a grin, before silently mouthing “thank you” to us.

We next moved towards the tiger enclosure. The big cats were sprawled lazily on the grass verge as Mr. Binatang approached. “Sayang, sayang,” said Mr. Binatang in a somewhat half-hearted manner as he put on a fresh set of gloves and entered the enclosure. “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…” Moments later, Mr. Binatang emerged with several tupperwares full of viscous fluid. “Is that…?” we asked gingerly. “It’s not soya bean,” replied Mr. Binatang grimly. “Isn’t it dangerous?” we asked. Mr. Binatang was silentt for a while. “They know I’m not there as an enemy,” he finally said, a glazed, faraway look in his eyes. We fought the urge to say, “Give that man a tiger.”

Mr. Binatang then worked his way round the zoo, carrying out his duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros, giraffe and the gorillas, amongst others.

“Each animal is different,” he said, removing his gloves, now speckled with traces of polar bear spunk. “The polar bears come rather quickly, because they’re not used to my warm hands on their cold organs. The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the most teruk because of the size of its thing… sometimes I have to use both my arms to tug on it. I feel like the bell ringer in a cathedral. Like Quasimodo or something. And god, when he comes, it’s like being sprayed by hot glue.”

Mr. Binatang finished his rounds at 3 pm in the afternoon. The cooler box was full of neatly-labeled tupperwares of animal semen, which were duly delivered to the WRS office. “I don’t know how long I’m going to stay in this job,” said Mr. Binatang, peeling off his overalls. “As you can expect it’s really affecting my sex life. I can’t help it. Each time my wife initiates sex, these ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind.”

The WRS acknowledges Mr. Binatang’s difficulties and promises that the semen collection procedure will soon change. But not because of the unpleasantness of the job. “It’s because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over every morning to pull them off,” said deputy assistant director Lai Jee Seow. “Many of them now can’t be bothered to engage in real sex.”