An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys since he had left, she wanted to break up with him, AND she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him.

So the Ranger did what any squared-away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

“I’m sorry, I can’t remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back.”

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use “fine” to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your hockey game is going to last before you take out the trash.

NOTHING: This means something. Be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.

GO AHEAD (WITH RAISED EYEBROWS): Translation: I dare you. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.

GO AHEAD (NORMAL EYEBROWS): Translation: “I give up” or “Do what you want, because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow type of “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine”. She will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still a verbal statement misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. And for God’s sake, shut up.

OH: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night”. If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before repaying you for whatever it is that you have done. You do not want to be there when that happens.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever lame-assed excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s okay”.

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not feel faint, just say, “You’re welcome”.

THANKS A LOT: This longer phrase is very different from “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is actually ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way and will usually be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” or she will say “Nothing” and raise her eyebrows.

Of course I love ya darling You’re a bloody top notch bird And when I say yur gorgeous I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side I don’t mind a bit of flab It means that when I’m ready There’s somethin’ there to grab

So your belly isn’t flat no more I tell ya, I don’t care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms around there

No sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave into gravity But I know ya did ya best

I’m tellin’ ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think its very sexy That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nana’s grave now The moment that we met I thought u was as good as I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like I’ll always love ya dear Now shut up while the footy’s on And get me another beer!