1. You - Off my planet.

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be…?

6. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. I’m just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.

13. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I’m a witch like it’s a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

20. Earth is full. Go home.

21. Is it time for your medication or mine?

22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

23. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”.

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“Alright. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.” After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

Your ass is never a factor in an interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.

You don’t have to schedule sex, vacations, wearing that new outfit, etc. around your reproductive system.

You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”

Going shirtless in public is perfectly acceptable.

No pantyhose.

One mood, all the time.

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home?

The owner said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Hey, thanks!” the biker said, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”

The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts:

“Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now”.

He looks at her and says angrily: “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a Scottish Power logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!”

Well then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close properly.”

“Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine!” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“Does it look like I’ve got B & Q written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to the pub!” So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

“Well” she says, “when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him.”

“So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”, he asked.

She replied: “HELLO!!!… Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don’t think so!”

A brunette woman named Susan finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto night comes and she does not win. Susan again prays… “God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and now I’m going to lose my car.”

Lotto night comes and Susan still has no luck. Once again, she prays… “Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.” Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Susan is confronted by the voice of God himself…

“Susan, work with me on this. Buy a ticket.”